I have always considered myself an introspective person. The people closest to me might even say I am too introspective. To that, I’d say, “Yeah, I can see that.” Since becoming a father I’ve probably leaned into that even more. That is likely because parenting at its core is such a big part of the human experience. It’s quite sad that so many in my generation and others have willingly deprived themselves of that experience.
My introspectiveness is on display especially when I look at pictures of my daughter. Or even when I turn on the baby monitor to watch her sleep. I’ve found myself missing her in those instances. It feels like she’s slipping through my fingers, even though I’m lucky to have the opportunity to make her the focal point of my life. Yet, as I watch her grow, I constantly fail to fully embrace the blessings in front of me. I can’t imagine how fucked up I’d be if I was working full-time.
I acknowledge that it is all my fault. When I see pictures of her I commit to being better than I was when the camera clicked. I get excited for her to wake up from her naps because I have a new opportunity to be the best father I can be. Unfortunately, I fuck it up too many times to count. Yes, I still am with my daughter for more time in a week than most fathers get to spend with their children in a month. Yet, I often let my mind get tangled up in complete and utter bullshit.
For all the good that comes from my cell phone and laptop, there seems to be even more bad. For instance, when my daughter is playing with me, why the fuck am I taking breaks to look up my bank accounts, fantasy football information, new houses, or other shit I think is worthy of my time. How is anything, outside of an inarguable crisis or emergency, more important than giving 100% of my attention to my family? The obvious answer is that nothing is more important.
I’ve improved since quitting my job. Has there been more improvement since I ended my consulting gig a couple weeks ago? No doubt. But I am still not where I want to be as a father. The good news is that nothing is stopping me from achieving that goal. Well, nothing except for all of the dead horses my introspective mind keeps beating.
I pray for several things nightly: 1) For God to keep looking after my health and that of my friends and family. 2) To help me become the best father and husband that I can be. 3) To steer clear of negative emotions, along with a few other things. Many days I don’t feel worthy of being a father. Cue the negative emotions part of the prayer. However, I do feel the prayers are working.
You might laugh, but having baby number two will make me a better father. It will definitely be harder, but with two children needing my attention, I’m counting on staying focused on what truly matters. At least not while they’re awake. Maybe I’ll be dead wrong.
I challenge all fathers, especially the 80% of us working ‘regular’ jobs, to think about how you are fathering. Ask yourself, “Do I need to do whatever BS I am doing right now or can it wait?” The answer is probably not. As parents, our second priority, after keeping our children healthy, should be setting a rock-solid foundation. How can we set that foundation if we’re too busy paying attention to time-wasting bullshit?
These 17 months have flown by. And I know the next 17 will, too. I will be more present, savor the everyday moments, and put my child first over distractions. My goal is to be the best father I can be. My goal is to be the best father I can be. Join me.
