When your wife is pregnant you will receive advice from nearly everyone on just about every topic than can have even the loosest possible tie to pregnancy and/or parenting. A good amount of it will either directly contradict how you feel or be a repeat of that same advice. But occasionally a memorable kernel of knowledge that will avail itself.
Can You Please Speak Up?
One of my weaknesses is that I am not a very good listener. I chalk that up to spending most of my career in politics. ‘Listening’ is a good buzz word on the campaign trail, but the rule of thumb in that world is to get your point across successfully irrespective of the words the opponent or opposing side is using. That’s because the goal, really the only one, is to gently ear fu*k the voter in a way that gets them to select your candidate on election day. However, when it comes to parenting, I have caught myself interested in hearing advice, or what people might think is advice, from many walks of life.
As I mentioned, much of that ‘advice’ will go into your ear, hit your brain and never be thought of again. Other times it hits hard. A bomb was dropped on me one day during a conversation with my friend while in the waning weeks of my wife’s first pregnancy: “Babies don’t do anything for the first year. You will be fu*king frustrated. A lot.”
You Need To Crawl Before You Can Walk
“Fu*k me”, I thought to myself. After all of the reading about baby milestones, purchasing of baby-related items and glancing into the future to think of how cool it will be to take my daughter to golf, fish or shoot guns, I realized that I had glossed over the first year. You know, one of the most important developmental years in a person’s life.
In order to golf, fish, or shoot guns a baby needs to walk. Before walking comes standing. Before standing (usually) comes crawling. Before crawling comes the ability to use their arms to hold their upper body from the ground. And before that, tummy time and the strength of a baby to hold up its own head rounds out an active year of physical development.
Setting the mobility achievements aside long enough to give you a glimmer of hope for year one, the first times your baby laughs and smiles will be among the most unequivocally awesome moments of your life.
The First Year Is Anything But Fun And Games
Now, back to the stone cold reality of a baby’s first year-plus of life. I am sitting in front of a MacBook screen just short of 15 months since my daughter was born. I am here to inform you that my daughter is still not at the point where we can walk more than 10 feet without her becoming distracted by basically anything. And she’s advanced for her age!
While looking back to pictures and videos or her progress, I am reminded of the frustration that sometimes got the better of me. On the bad days when our daughter was resisting tummy time, or on the verge of crawling but not quite ready, it was easy to say, “I can’t wait for her to….” or “I wish she would just…”. It’s an easy trap to fall into. And I can assure you that it does no good for anyone.
Focus On The Present And Practice Patience
Wishing away time robs you of the present. And with a process that moves as quickly as a growing child, it is more like a double robbery. It’s a mindfu*king. And not the good kind.
However, my friend’s advice absolutely changed my frame of mind. It certainly didn’t eliminate all of the negative thoughts, daydreaming about the future, or frustration that is basically a rite of passage for parents. But I absolutely believe it increased positivity, improved my ability to focus more on the present, and helped me add length to my mental fuse so that I wouldn’t lose my cool so quickly. I would hate to think what my mental state would’ve been had my mind not been framed with what was seemingly transcendent advice.
Even Newer and Better Advice
I can also assure you that the days before your son or daughter hits some sort of developmental milestone are among the toughest during the first year. Because if you’re only a few days away from that milestone, then chances are they’ve been working (and you’ve been waiting) for it a lot longer than that. But those tough times are soon replaced by a real life milestone. Enjoy it, because shortly after that your baby will have their eyes on the next one.
And that last sentence is why I would alter the best advice I’ve been given about parenting expectations so far. Instead of, “babies don’t do anything for the first year”, I would add ‘at least’. Babies don’t do anything for at least the first year. Before baby starts walking independently, he or she will be reliant on you for everything besides reaching for a toy already on the ground.
But that’s okay. They’ll achieve these milestones when they’re ready to achieve them. Until then, relax and cherish the moments. Because the last time a baby does something is just as memorable as the first time they do it.
Huh, maybe that’s the best advice I’ve given about parenting expectations so far?
