Pregnancy is a wonderful time. It’s also a horrible time, especially for men. So much is written and said about the changes that women go through during the nine months of pregnancy. Conversely, so little is written about the struggles of the people without whom pregnancy would be rendered impossible-men. Let this article set the record straight and give us men a little credit for this life-changing experience.
Weight Gain Isn’t A One Way Street
One of the obvious expectations of growing a child is the weight the mother gains throughout the process. More than 20 pounds at the absolute minimum. But what about men?
During our two pregnancies, my wife has eaten A LOT. And not at regular intervals. When my wife wants ice cream, guess who else is getting ice cream? This guy. When my wife wants fast food between lunch and dinner, take a moment to wonder what the other person in the relationship is going to do at that moment. During those times my wife wants to make a same-day Walmart+ grocery order, you don’t have to stretch the mind too far to realize the husband will probably want to order something, too. I’m just like any other guy who isn’t a Buddhist monk. When someone else eats around me, my brain says, “Hey dish*t, get some fu*king food for yourself. Moron. Idiot.”
I don’t quite know how much weight I’ve gained, but I know I’ve gained weight. It’s my wife’s fault.
Medical Bills Aren’t Free
Okay, so this isn’t the best example because, as I’ve written before, we pay exactly $0 for prenatal care, delivery, and the first few pediatrician appointments. That’s only because we have great insurance. We’re in the 1% of the 1% in that regard. However, I feel the need to stand up for all of the men out there whose net worth is decreasing because of all these prenatal vitamins, OBGYN appointments, and labor/delivery charges. Those costs add up and for virtually everyone, amount to many thousands of dollars.
I haven’t lost any net worth because we have great insurance, but I would’ve if we didn’t. That would’ve been my wife’s fault.
There’s Only So Much Space On The Bed
I purchased a king-sized bed immediately after we found out my wife was pregnant. We’d been wanting to upgrade from a queen to a king for a while, but it ended up being one of those things you’d think about intently for a little bit and then it’d be gone. Once she was pregnant I knew a queen-sized bed was no longer going to be good for us.
Boy, was I right. My wife hogs the bed with her pregnant body in a way that is almost offensive. Inferior men would wonder, “Does she still love me?”, “Does she still want to sleep with me?”, or worse, “Should I just give her the whole bed and then inconvenience myself by going to sleep in the smaller, more uncomfortable guest bed?” But I am not an inferior man.
I know exactly how much of my side of the king-sized bed I’ve lost, and it’s substantial. It’s my wife’s fault.
Jungle Sex Isn’t Possible During Pregnancy
All of you know about the kind of sex we’re talking about. The type of sex where you’d go multiple rounds each day. Both parties are mauling each other. It’s sweaty, hot, and active. You are limber like a gymnast. And then your wife gets pregnant.
During the first few months, nothing really changes that much. You want it more than ever and there’s still a lot of rolling around between the sheets. That time is quickly replaced by your wife having a belly and you being terrified of getting on top and hurting the growing child inside of her. First, I want to tell you that you’re not alone. Every guy experiences that even though we know, at least before the third trimester, you can’t hurt the baby. Second, if you’ve never experienced that then you’re a God damned liar and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Then, if all is going well with the pregnancy, your wife will struggle to move around like a normal person for a little while. Yes, that affects movement in the bedroom. We’re still going after it as much as we did before she was pregnant. And, thankfully, it still gets the job done for both of us. But we’re both counting down the days until the jungle sex returns. And yes, the lack of jungle sex is my wife’s fault.
There Will Be A Lot Of Lifting
Once the pregnancy gets to a certain point, the ability (and desire) of a woman to lift anything of consequence is diminished and eventually outright eliminated. That burden is placed on the man. Furniture, heavy laundry baskets, groceries, my 25-pound toddler–all of that is passed on to me.
if you think being pregnant is bad for your back, imagine what it is like being the only person who is medically allowed to lift anything over 20 pounds. It’s hard and uncomfortable. I think it would be much easier to have the child growing in me.
I’ve never lifted more in my life than when my wife has been pregnant. It’s her fault.
Pregnancy Is Inconvenient, Until It’s Not
Pregnancy is hard. It tests the mettle of two people more than you could ever fathom. There will be so many times over nine months that even the smallest inconvenience seems like a dagger to the heart. But it’s ultimately worth it.
In case you couldn’t tell, I was completely kidding about the “inconveniences” of pregnancy. Well, at least it all being my wife’s fault. A lot goes on in pregnancy and the roles of both people will shift as it progresses. Yes, there are days I motherfu*k the world. But most days I realize I have the best partner in the world. The one person on this Earth I voluntarily vowed to be with for the entirety of my life. And she’s growing my (second) child.
As men, we are hard-wired to crave responsibility. There is no greater responsibility than taking care of your wife until the day comes when you need to provide support for both your wife and child. That’s when real men step up.
My friends, the phrase, “expect the unexpected” is not original or profound. But it may as well be the official slogan of pregnancy. Rise to the challenge. You’ll be glad you did.
