Today was a day that, looking back on it, was probably inevitable. I am not going to get into specifics, other than to say that today I officially ended a working relationship that has been ongoing for the last eight years. We all have those moments when we realize that something has run its course, but we don’t have the rocks to pull the cord. Even allowing anger, frustration, and discontent to fester despite the knowledge that it can mostly go away with one decision. I finally made that decision.
I mostly enjoyed my working life over the past eight years. I enjoyed the majority of my duties and the freedom that came along with it. However, once my wife became pregnant, reality started to set in. What were once priorities at work slowly became just normal parts of the day. Parts of the job I loved and dedicated large amounts of time towards devolved into annoyances. I slowly morphed into a person who could be annoyed at the simplest of things. I was always running hot.
But I didn’t realize all of that at the time. It’s what I’d been doing for eight years. I’ve coped before. And I’ve mostly coped successfully for the better part of the first 17 months of my daughter’s life. At least I thought I was coping successfully.
Yesterday, I blew up because there was a bunch of sheets and towels beginning to tower in our basement beside the washer and dryer. After a conversation with my wife and a deep breath, I realized a couple things:
First, it’s been a stressful six weeks due to a vacation to Florida, a holiday weekend trip to Michigan, and then an up-and-down trip to Northwest Ohio. Planning traveling to interfere with a little child’s sleep schedule as little as possible is super stressful. And then when you arrive to the destination you are still dealing with a little human used to a routine in an entirely different place.
Second, we have a second baby coming in less than a month. Over these last six weeks, we’ve transitioned our daughter into a new room with a big girl bed. That required new lights being purchased and installed, new paint, the installation of cameras, the assembling of new furniture, and anchoring said furniture to the wall. She’s also rapidly going to be sizing out of her 18-month clothing, and with fall and winter on the way, our daughter needs new clothes and shoes.
That all is in addition to doing pretty much the same thing in her old room/nursery for baby boy, and purchasing all sorts of things on Prime Day. This is the type of sh*t that parents should be able to handle without flipping out over minor things. The blow-up with my wife was the final wake-up call.
God works in funny ways though. The day before I had just ended a work call where I received disheartening news. Again, without getting too specific, there was a totally preventable fu*k up made by the person with whom I have the working relationship. I screamed, yelled, and hollered until I could feel my arteries restrict. It didn’t solve anything. However, it did open my eyes a little wider. I was determined to decide whether I wanted to continue this relationship or end it once and for all.
I essentially allowed myself two days of self-reflection. I will be the first to admit that I have a tiny fuse that only needs a small spark to light. I will be the first to admit that this tiny fuse has somehow grown even tinier. I mean, I can be a mean motherfu*ker. It’s the same way my Dad can be. I’ve even verbally snapped at my daughter for doing things every 17-month-old does like dropping something, throwing food, or putting stuff in her mouth. This working relationship has turned me into an angry person.
That’s not how I want to live. That’s not the kind of parent I want to be. It’s certainly not the kind of husband I want to be. Truth be told, the person with whom I have this working relationship is immensely important to me. It’s one of my best friends. A person I asked to be a godparent to my daughter. Had I not ended the working relationship, I may not have been able to save the personal one.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably not unlike me. If you find that there’s something in your life that is holding you back from being the best father, husband, son, grandchild, etc., you need to work to get rid of it. Nothing is more important than the people close to you. It may not be as simple as instantly quitting whatever it is that is causing all of the bullsh*t. But if you’re not actively taking steps to fix the problem, you’re not just fu*king yourself over; you’re hurting the people closest to you.
Identify the problem and fix it. After I made the call today to end it, I could feel my shoulders drop, but in a good way. The weight has been lifted. Now, I’m not a moron. I realize there is probably some sort of emotional detox that needs to take place over the coming days and weeks. That being said, I am proud of myself because that first step has proven to be the hardest one for me to take. I am truly excited about what the future holds.
