I’ll be honest- the title of this article is deceiving. But it got you to click on it, right? My thoughts on daycare and handing your child’s brain development off to strangers for more than 40 hours per week are well-known to regular readers of this site (for those who aren’t, I wouldn’t say I like it). However, that doesn’t mean that I advocate for being around your kids every waking moment of the day. In fact, my wife and I actually believe we’ve become better parents by taking time off from parenting. Let me explain.
The Mother, Father Relationship Isn’t Everything
As my wife and I looked for our first home in 2019, towards the top of our wish list was a house relatively close to my parents. That was a priority in no small part because my wife’s father lives nearly three hours away and her mom is out of the picture. If I’m rating the relationship I had with my grandparents (on both sides) on a scale of one to 10, I’m certainly closer to one than 10. My wife had a much better relationship with the grandparents from her father’s side. So much so that we chose our daughter’s middle name to honor her World War 2 veteran grandfather. But the other side wasn’t so great.
We both decided, and I insisted really, that we wanted our kids to have a strong relationship with at least one set of grandparents. That would be tough to accomplish if we weren’t within a reasonable driving distance. And let me assure you that if your vision is making regular single, two, or even three-hour car rides with your children you’ll eventually find yourselves sadly mistaken. Our top two factors are our exhaustion and the, let’s call it unwillingness, of our daughter to be in a car seat for very long.
Luckily we found a house that met our requirements, including being close to my parents. The first step was achieved.
The Beginning of Bond Building
Like most new grandmothers and grandfathers, my parents love seeing their granddaughter. During the early weeks, my wife and I would try to sneak as much sleep as we possibly could. “How did you achieve that?” I can hear in the wind. For us it was simple; grandma would make the short drive over and watch the baby downstairs while we caught a couple hours of sleep upstairs.
Within the next month or so we began to find a little bit of a groove. We were exhausted (I’m still exhausted) but the days became easier to predict. My wife and I wanted to get back to attending Mass regularly but with a new baby, we were concerned about her getting sick. Looking back, I think that was first-time parent jitters.
We asked my mom one Sunday if she could look after Eliana for a couple hours while we attended Mass. As predicted, she was ecstatic. And from that day forward, as if God whispered into our ears, we learned something. Time for yourself is good.
The New Routine
Having a new baby, while certainly exciting and obviously life-changing, can cause strain on a marriage. If you’re not careful your life will become nothing but the baby. I legitimately do not know how single parents do it, nor do I know how people who don’t have family around put it all together. There needs to be a break somewhere.
After the first time we had my mom watch our daughter, I asked her what she’d think of watching her for most of a weekend day every week. She beamed with excitement. We knew eventually (and we still haven’t reached this point yet) that we’d take our daughter to weekly Mass and, once the length of her single nap subsided a bit, we’d then take her to all kinds of places afterward. We currently take her to 9:30 am Mass every other week, but with her nap occurring from 12 to 3, there’s not too much time between 10:30 and 12 to do anything besides grab a quick bite to eat.
For the time being, my daughter is with my parents for a good chunk on Sundays. It is: allowing them to get closer to my daughter, satisfying my personal goal of my daughter having a strong relationship with her grandparents, and giving my wife and me a moment to breathe and look after our marriage.
Becoming A Better Parent By Not Parenting
Our Sundays are generally spent doing whatever we want to do. We know our daughter is having a wonderful time with my parents, so we don’t have to worry. And that is not a relief we take lightly.
If we want to lay in bed and watch TV, we lay in bed and watch TV. If we want to grab lunch and see a movie, we grab lunch and see a movie. If we want to get intimate (and I sure love getting intimate), then we get intimate. For the first few months, we just napped as much as we could. That time ‘alone’ allows us to be with each other and recharge for the upcoming week. By the end of the day, we’re both antsy to get our daughter and begin another exciting week of parenting.
Never Take It For Granted
Let me roll past the, “we are incredibly blessed,” line. Yes, we are very lucky. However, we never want to take advantage of having my parents close by.
I still ask my parents each week if they’d like to watch her and make it crystal clear that they are more than entitled to say they can’t do it. They, of course, have lives, too. And our daughter is ultimately no one else’s responsibility besides our own–just the way it should be. All that being said, I think spending time with their granddaughter is a highlight of their week and they so far have never declined the opportunity to be graced with our blonde-haired beauty’s presence.
The “never take it for granted,” line is important enough to be repeated. I would recommend never just assuming, even if you have parents like mine, that they are going to pick up the slack. And never, ever forget to say thank you!
You Are Not Entitled To Time To Yourself, But Always Accept The Opportunity
The name of the game in parenting is sacrifice. A family member babysitting your child, even once, should be considered a luxury. You likely didn’t include these people in your decision-making process when contemplating having a child, so getting upset or annoyed at anyone for not watching over your child is complete and utter bullsh*t.
But don’t, unless there are safety concerns, turn your nose down at the help being offered to you. Don’t just think about your child. Think about your wife. Think about your marriage. That needs care, too.
Parenting is one of the greatest joys we as humans can experience. We should all strive to do better. One way you can do that is to recharge the batteries, if only for a little bit, by not parenting. So enjoy the experience, do better, and for the love of all that is holy, take advantage of the opportunities not to parent!
