Well, here we are. We are less than than two hours away from my wife’s admittance to the hospital for an induction on her exact due date. 10 minutes ago we put our daughter to bed for the final time as our only child. So many thoughts are racing through my head. I’ll do my best to get them typed before I shower, visit our eucharistic chapel to pray, and make the 30 minute drive to the hospital.
Throughout this second pregnancy I haven’t been worried about juggling two kids. Will it be tough to manage at first? I have zero doubt. But just like we did with our daughter, we’ll find a way to get in a rhythm. At least that’s what I’m telling myself and what I’ve prayed to God for, among many other things.
No, my worries have been mainly focused on the change in life for my daughter. No longer will she be able to occupy 100% of my attention as a father. I almost feel like it’s unfair to bring another child into the world because I don’t want to cheat her. After all, it’s not as if she was consulted.
I’m worried that I will have to take some of the love I have to her to give to my son. I’m worried that I am in some ways abandoning her. That has tortured my thoughts over the better part of this year. But my fears seemed unfounded after my wife told me that the fact that I’m worrying about this means I am a great father and have more love to give than I can even imagine. And I believe that.
Over the past week or so I have worked on not getting so anxious. I’ve endeavored to let the simple shit leave my brain. God has a plan for me and my family. I should be willing to hand over the wheel once in a while. Catholicism has done so many wonderful things for me. Especially during emotional times like this.
I get caught up worrying about the future too much. It’s a habit I think is worse than alcoholism, smoking, and recreational drug use put together. But it’s one I can’t break. It’s a shitty way to go through life and not an example I want my children to follow. So I am pushing myself to be better. It’s one of the perks of having children. They make you want to do better. Unless you’re a shithead loser.
I have thought about finances. I have thought about the bigger house on more land. I’ve worried about if I am prepared to truly homeschool despite that being an issue nearly five years away. I’m concerned about being able to afford larger cars to hold our big family. I’ve stressed about not helping my family financially because of leaving my job to take care of my kids full-time. Some days my brain has me lead a miserable existence.
However, as I write this I am astounded at the opportunity I have to mold a second young life. Something too many of us are willing to forgo entirely. I have a lot of issues with many different challenges our country faces, mostly thanks to the radical left. But I have the opportunity to raise children who are going to help solve those challenges, not add to them.
While reading a children’s bible story to my daughter this evening, I felt blessed. I have a healthy daughter. A healthy boy in the womb. An incredible wife both physically, mentally, and emotionally. And a support system that can help me push through the bad times. I am lucky. My son is lucky to be born into the this incredible family.
Anyway, this is a whole lot of rambling. I am not checking for grammar errors, spelling mistakes, etc. This is just some of the thoughts racing through my mind. By this time tomorrow I am going to be a father for a second time. Many challenges await, but even more memories are there to be made.
Enough talking. It’s go time!
