I quit my job five months after my daughter was born in 2023. I wouldn’t call it a tough transition, but there have been plenty of ups and downs along the way. Even though I quit my job and need to go into an office each day, I still kept a portion of it as part of a consulting role. After evaluating my life these past 12 months, I decided to stop that, too. The pressure became too much.
I left my job for a couple reasons. First, there was no way in hell I was sending my daughter to daycare. No fucking way. I’ve always made the joke that if my kids are going to be screwed up, it will have to be my fault. Not daycare workers, teachers, babysitters, etc.
Second, my work has always consumed me. I managed State House and Senate offices, run state legislative races, managed a campaign for Congress, and was leading an election for statewide office. In certain parts of the year, it was not uncommon for me to still be at the office at 11:00 pm. During one particular hellish week, I literally stayed up the entire night and morning to finish legislative work. On the congressional campaign, I was regularly putting in 70-80 hour weeks. After coming back from paternity leave I was still engrossed in my work. At that point, I was out of the house before she woke up and usually not back until 6:30 or 7:00 pm; 30 minutes to one hour from her bedtime. Did I really have a child just so I could see her for a maximum of five hours from Monday through Friday?
Before I started my career in politics, I worked in sales. It too was not uncommon for me to be at the office until 10:00 pm. At that time at least I was a single guy in my 20s. It is simply a part of my personality to give everything I have to whatever I am doing professionally. And I know that a workaholic personality is not the best thing for a marriage or as a father.
While I wasn’t working as many hours as I was while working in an office, what I was doing still weighed on me. I snapped at my wife and was upset at my daughter for doing what she’s supposed to be doing. I was miserable. I hung onto it because there was some money I was bringing into the household.
And that’s an example of the pressure we as men put on ourselves. Before I left my job I mapped out our financial life for a few years. My wife makes enough money for us to maintain the same lifestyle we had while I was working. A large part of my salary was funding our savings and retirement. We’re still putting away money, but not as much. So I felt like I had to keep working despite what it was doing to me mentally and emotionally. I wrote about that whole ordeal here, so I won’t repeat myself other than to say enough was enough.
So I sit in this recliner with my laptop as a person who no longer has a job or a consulting role. It’s the first time in more than a decade that I can say that. Part of the reason it took me this long was because I was worried about not feeling valued in society. My wife has emphasized how damaging the need to be busy is. Many God-fearing Americans believe that the path to happiness can only be achieved with hard work and long hours. Being ‘off’ is not an option. It’s something I’ve absolutely fallen victim to. Which is weird, because I couldn’t care less about what most people think of me. Holding onto a job or consulting role with a death grip because I’m worried about what people might say if I no longer have them is not me.
When it comes down to it, I don’t know if I know what true, daily happiness is. I know the feeling of short-term happiness. Getting married and holding my daughter for the first time are excellent examples. But I haven’t been able to hold onto that feeling, or anything close to it, for more than a few hours at a time. It’s something I want to improve, not just for me, but for my wife, daughter, and son.
This first year of being a stay-at-home dad has been an incredible journey. But I’ve barely started. That’s one of those exciting yet terrifying feelings. I am going to try to take it easier. Stress less. Embrace not having a job. Attempt to enjoy the times of doing nothing. Appreciate the opportunity that I have to put my wife and kids first, without worrying about the crippling financial struggles that so many in this country face. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am working to relieve the pressure. Only God knows where it leads, but I am finally ready.
