If you’re an active man who has played sports at any part of your life, you know the sensation of your testicles being hit by any number of objects or people. It’s inevitable and the cups have almost no impact. And we all at one point had (or still may have) the emotional maturity that would cause us to play games like ‘ball tap’ with our friends. I’m here to tell you that fatherhood, at least in the early stages, is just a game of experiencing how many times your balls can be hit, squeezed, stomped on, kicked, and the like. This is semi-satirical, but consider most of it gospel. You’ll thank me later.
I’m Used To The Sensation
In addition to playing a lot of team sports growing up and still having the maturity of a juvenile sometimes, my spring/summer/fall job while a teenager and into my early 20s was umpiring baseball and a rare softball game. I tried every cup or cup-like product on the market. Soft shell, hard shell, the nutty buddy, big cups, small cups (those, of course, never fit). Not a single one did sh*t for me or my precious man jewels.
The number of curve balls, foul balls, and even a fastball that hit my cup over my 10 years of umpiring was more than enough to make me wonder if my groin boulders suffered permanent damage. Fortunately, after being able to put a bun in my wife’s oven during the very first month of trying for our first child (and subsequently the first month of trying for our second) those fears were extinguished. However, I’m not quite out of the woods.
Aggressive Play Is Fun, Until It’s Not
I play aggressively with my daughter. Pretend wrestling moves, a lot of tickling, chasing, tossing her in the air, etc. She loves every moment of it, and her belly laughs are arguably the best part of being a dad through the first 15 months. But that rough play has resulted in quite a few noodle-like limbs drilling me in the junk DOZENS of times.
And don’t even get me started on the times I am inattentive to the point that I’ll be talking to my wife or glancing at my phone. You’d think my groin is similar to a destination in a video game where if it’s hit, the player advances to the next level. I keep trying to assure my daughter that there is no level advancement-besides the pain I’m going through. She doesn’t understand yet, at least I don’t think she does.
I’m Starting To Think My Daughter Doesn’t Want Siblings
At about the time my daughter began ‘fast crawling’ was around the moment my wife confirmed I gave her the good stuff for the second time. So maybe it’s a coincidence, but since then my man rocks have taken more abuse than usual. I haven’t done the exact math on this, but my daughter is batting near 1000% when counting the times she hit, kneed, or kicked my gonads when she’s crawling on top of me.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I have screamed like a little girl when she gets to that danger zone. We all know how it feels. And I promise that you won’t get used to that trauma. I don’t know if she figured out something is different and it will result in her no longer getting 100% of our attention. it sure seems like it though. If I were a betting man (I am), I’d be wagering she doesn’t was that percentage to drop even further with the addition of a third child. I guess I’ll need to be more attentive to my scrotum and man beans going forward.
I Still Wouldn’t Change Much Of Anything
The feeling of playing with your child is such a high. And that feeling is only exacerbated when your son or daughter is climbing over you. It’s among the greatest feelings in the world.
So it probably comes as no surprise that, outside of maybe using my hand to block a few of the ‘accidental’ kicks, I wouldn’t change anything. Embrace the time you have at this stage. You never truly know when you’ve experienced the last time they’ll crawl all over you.
In the meantime, I’ll be checking online to see if there have been any advancements in the cup market.
